*what I want
I am in a very complicated situation here that I’ve been dealing with for months. Basically, last year I had sex with someone for the first time. I had met him at a party and since I was a late bloomer I just immediately jumped into bed with him not knowing any of the consequences. Well I quickly learned that he was selfish, disrespectful, and really did not care for me at all. I guess I trained his mind to just want sex from me. Little did I know I fell very, very hard for him. He stopped talking to me completely for 5 months, and it crushed me. My friend had told me “he could just cut you off for someone else and not even tell you because you’re not in a relationship”. Since she said that, I feared that and it’s exactly what happened.
The thing that hurts the most is when I think about how he probably viewed me: easy, catering to his needs, maybe even slutty. It hurts because I know I am none of those things and I really liked him despite the bad treatment. But, I don’t really know what to do.
I know for sure I need to work on letting go, but every time I try to I’ll be alone and just reply thoughts and start crying again. I have an underlying belief that I will never be with him but it’s what I desire. I’m having a hard time visualizing a relationship with him because I have never been in one.
I am not sure if it’s really a relationship that I want with him, a apology, a chance to start over, forgetting everything, a text/call, a date, sex, control, or what it is. But I do still have an emptiness/loneliness inside of me. What really sucks is that I’ve tried to hook up with guys after the fact and anytime it gets sexual I push them away.. I almost feel traumatized.